Click below for access to the book list.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Ddigital-text&field-keywords=arthur kornhaber

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2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

“What’s it about?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said… “How do you make babies?”

“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”

11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.

“Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child.

“No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

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“NonNa,” a new play by Dr. Kornhaber, was staged for the first time in April, 2013 in Ojai, Califiornia for a three-week run.

Nona is a must-see  family drama, dealing with increasing and often ignored emotional issues that challenge many parents, children  and  grandparents, today.

During it’s first run in Ojai, the play was a great success and received excellent notices.

To be continued.

The post “Nonna,” a new play by Dr. Kornhaber was performed In Ojai, CA. in April 2013 appeared first on - Foundation for Grandparenting.

The book is well  written and informative. We highly recommend it to all grandparents involved in this painful situation.

The post New Book: Grandparents Guide to Autism Spectrum Disorders appeared first on - Foundation for Grandparenting.

 Effective grandparents function in diverse, highly individualistic ways at different times in the grandchild’s life.  These grandparents are consistently and reliably involved in their family’s life.  Importantly, they are perceived as “being there” in mind, body and spirit. 

 Demographically, there are few ethnic, age or gender differences among effective grandparents.   Their families have said their grandparents have a certain joy for life, an optimistic outlook, a sense of humor and a thriving, involved relationship with their children, grandchildren and other family members.

Results of our  Grandparent Survey

 The Foundation for Grandparenting conducted a survey of families regarding their opinion of whether grandparents were an indispensable part of their family.  77% of the subjects interviewed agreed that grandparents were indeed indispensable.

 An assessment of the qualities and attitudes of the grandparents of these families supplies information that we used to create a model of grandparents who feel that grandparenting is an important symbolic, interactive and instrumental function of their life.  This model can be used to teach other grandparents to be more effective in their role of family elder.

 The following contains some of the qualities that serve as foundation stones for effective grandparenting:

 Being There

 Researchers have shown grandparent presence to be positively correlated with increased emotional security in a grandchild.  Hagestad (1985) called it the benefit of “being there.”  Kennedy (1992) mentioned this concept in a study exploring the nature of shared activities between grandparents and grandchildren. 

 In Kennedy’s study, a total of 391 young adult grandchildren were questioned about their activities with their grandparents.  Data analysis of responses showed sociability and companionship activity to be directly related to a feeling of well-being in the grandchild.

 Altruism

 The most defining characteristic of effective grandparents we studied was their altruistic orientation towards life.  Altruism – derived from the Latin “alter” (other) and the French “autrui” (other person’s) – is defined as unselfish devotion to the needs of others.  It is the opposite of egoism or self-centeredness. 

 People are born altruistic.  Child development studies have demonstrated altruism in infants who respond to pain and anguish in others and “mirror” others’ emotions.  Pediatrician Dr. Glen Austin (1991) identified altruism as a characteristic of an “optimally competent” child, a healthy youngster who is well-endowed to succeed in the world.

 The altruistic individual places a priority on service to others and expresses this value in their behavior.  It’s not unusual to find altruistic people working as health care professionals, teachers, social workers or to be engaged in volunteer work.  Altruistic people are “value centered.”  They find inner strength and direction from a strong set of values that can often put them at odds with the society around them.  Altruistic individuals are often religious, self-transcendent and display character traits associated with spirituality (Cloninger, Svaric, Pryzbeck, 1993).  They act according to principle rather than convenience. 

 Responsiveness and empathy distinguish the altruistic grandparent, excellent qualities when relating to children.  One altruistic grandfather expressed his philosophy: “I don’t ever want to hurt another human being and that is my life philosophy.  Knowing that, I know how to behave in most situations.  I think of how my actions will affect people before I do things.  I think about how my children would feel about what I was doing and if my actions would be hurtful.”

 Altruism as a personality characteristic may explain the biological underpinnings of grandparents’ nurturing, protective and supportive roles.  The geneticist Edward O. Wilson (1978) stated, “altruistic genes assure their own preservation.”  One grandmother stated, “The most important thing I learned from my own grandfather is that children need protection, guidance and discipline.  Each child is a sacred trust.  They should be under the watchful eye of a relative until they grow up.  When a member of my family is hurting, I actually feel it.”

 Because it is based on ensuring the well being and happiness of family members, an altruistic approach to grandparenting guarantees that family members – and thus the genetic legacy of the grandparent – will in fact survive. Maintaining an altruistic view on life, stressing loving, caring and nurturing as personal values, assures that the quality of relationships within the family will be based on positive and emotional priorities.  In short, altruistic grandparents create and support well-functioning families.  These grandparents have continuity in their existence.  Their legacies are transmitted by connected, rooted family members.

 Temperament

 Temperament is an inborn psychological tendency to react to the environment in a certain way.  Temperamental differences in infants are recognizable at birth.  Some temperamental traits that affect behavior have been identified and described by psychiatrists Alexander Thomas, Stella Chess, and pediatrician Herbert Birch (1968).  Some examples of temperamental traits are:

•  Activity level – Active vs. passive, including the time of day the activity takes place, i.e. “morning people” and “night people.”
• Regularity of patterns – feeding, sleeping, elimination.  Order vs. chaos.
•  Approach or withdrawal – the nature of a response to a new stimulus.  Joy and eagerness vs. fear and hesitancy.
•  Adaptability – ease of response to a new situation.  Shyness or openness.
•  Threshold of responsiveness – intensity of stimulation needed to evoke a response, i.e. “hyper” or “laid back.”
•  Intensity of reaction – energy level of response.  Enthusiasm vs. slow to respond.
•  Quality of mood – pleasant and friendly vs. unpleasant and unfriendly.
•  Distractibility – ease in which the direction of behavior is altered by outside stimuli.
•  Attention span and persistence – the length of time an activity may be pursued. 

The concept of temperament is helpful in understanding behavior and human relationships.  Understanding the notion of temperament and how it applies to grandparent-grandchild relationships allows researchers to categorize grandparents in specific ways.  Indeed, temperament is an important determinant of what researchers have identified as grandparenting “style.” A naturally outgoing person can be an ebullient grandparent.  A reserved person may either be quietly involved or “remote” (Cherlin and Furstenburg, 1986).  An aggressive, “take charge” person can be a strong and forceful grandparent and can sometimes function as the head of a clan.  An altruistic and sensitive grandparent may serve as the “heart” of a family.

 Effective grandparents possess temperamental qualities that are conducive to enhancing interpersonal relationships.  Subjects polled frequently mentioned “patience,” the ability to “listen and understand,” and “paying attention” to others as qualities that enhance family relationships. As an important component of personality, temperament can profoundly affect individual grandparenting style and the way grandparents relate to their grandchildren.

 Personality

 Personality is described as the characteristic and to some extent, predictable, behavior response patterns that each person evolves, both consciously and unconsciously.  An individual’s personality type determines behavior, emotion and cognition. Many personality traits have been described:  introvert, extrovert, emotional, passive, dependent, etc.  Personality disorders have been clinically categorized as well: hysterical, obsessive-compulsive, and narcissistic, to name just a few. 

 The subject of personality is far too complex to delve into in any detail here.  Yet personality is important to consider in terms of grandparent development and the way personality affects grandparenting behavior. Grandparents with different personalities can all be effective grandparents.  Those who are altruistic can grandparent very effectively because this side of their personality is more important to children than any other aspect.

 Vitality

 Vitality is defined as being a support or source of life (is there a better definition for this??).  In addition to physical vitality, there is emotional, spiritual and intellectual vitality.  Vitality is positively related to mental health.  Thus, effective grandparents are vital grandparents.  Vital grandparents bring joy, excitement and wonder into the grandchildren’s lives.  Effective grandparents and their grandchildren describe a reverberating bio-psycho-social-spiritual resonance – a feedback loop – between them that is psychologically and spiritually illuminating and physically vitalizing.

 Kivnick (1980) has alluded to this “revitalizing” phenomenon, “Being grandparents allows/helps many grandparents to counteract some measure of the decrease in morale which frequently results for the various losses that are part of growing older.” In discussing the relationship of grandparenthood to mental health, Kivnick (1985) further notes, “grandparenthood-related experience may be viewed as contributing to psychosocial well-being throughout the life cycle.” This view is supported by Butlerand Lewis (19796) who emphasized the positive role of family attachments in “orienting oneself in time and space as a significant human being.”  “I have such a good time with my grandfather.  He makes my life sunny,” said Brandon, 10-years-old. 

 Because their state of physical health may vary, vitality may be more of a spiritual quality in grandparents.  One can be physically fit, but not vital.  On the other hand, an incapacitated grandparent can certainly be vital.  A young boy related that his grandmother was confined to a wheelchair, but “she called me everyday to talk me through my homesickness during my first year in college.”

A grandfather named John from Appalachia, described by his wife as a “pretty lazy guy who sits in the shed all day carving.”  But when his grandchildren were interviewed, they described him as “great.”  The children spend hours in the shed with John, learning how to carve ducks and birdhouses.  One grandchild said, “He seems to be very quiet, but if you listen to him, he’s a very funny person. Grandpa’s eyes sparkle.” The inner spark that makes for a vital grandparent need not reside within an active body.  Vital grandparents have a discernible uplifting effect on people.  Their energy and enthusiasm spills over and colors everything they do. 

 Vitality is a two-way street.  Grandchildren benefit from their grandparents’ vitality, but are also capable of vitalizing their grandparents.  Grandparents who raise their own grandchildren consistently report that they have more energy and vitality since they began caring for their grandchild.  “Katie charges my batteries,” one grandmother said of her granddaughter.

 Availability

 In a study measuring grandparents’ expectations of grandparenthood, Fisher (1983) found that “available” grandmothers who lived near their daughters had a clearer indication of what their roles and expectations were. Effective grandparents arrange their time so as to be available to their grandchildren.  They are aware that physical proximity is important for enabling them to spend time with their grandchildren and, when possible, they make an effort to be as nearby as possible for as long a time as possible. 

 Availability is obviously a major challenge for many of today’s grandparents.  Effective grandparents who can’t live near their grandchildren still make it a point to spend as much time with them as they can.  When they are with their grandchildren, they give them their undivided attention.  These grandparents place a high priority on spending time with their families and find creative ways to do so. One grandmother who lives in the country said, “The worst thing that every happened to my family is when they put the road in so my kids could drive to the city.  Then they moved to the city.  We miss each other so much.  My oldest granddaughter cries for me.  Now I spend all my money on bus fare so I can get into the city twice a week and see my grandbabies.”

 Personal Experience and Philosophy

 Many of the grandparents we interviewed described themselves as “family people.”  “What I am doing,” one grandparent stated, “is carrying on the tradition I learned from my own grandparents.” Tradition and example are reported to be an important teacher of grandparents (Kivnick, 1980; Bengston, Hagestad, 1986).   Paul, the father of 3 children and the son of an involved grandfather, had a very strong attachment to his own grandfather.  “I know what I am doing with my family and where I am going.  I am pretty much copying the way my grandfather lived.  He was a wonderful friend to me.  I learned so much from him.  At one point in my life, I had a bit of conflict with my dad, and my grandfather always got us together.  Now I see my own father doing the same for my kids.  I’ll probably do the same for my grandkids.  I think I might resent my father interfering with my children if my grandfather hadn’t done the same thing on my behalf.  I can identify with my kids’ relationship with my father, so I don’t take playing the heavy too seriously.  I guess my grandfather taught me what a good grandfather does without me every knowing it.”

 Readiness

 The majority of effective grandparents state they eagerly wanted to become grandparents.  Some who became grandparents “too early,” in their words, nevertheless took to the role with enthusiasm.  In most cases, an “on-time” (Troll, 1986) grandparent has a better chance to grandparent effectively than an “off-time” one.  For example, a 39-year-old grandmother with 2 children living at home has more access to their grandchildren than grandparents whose grandchildren live far away from them. It may happen that when presented with a first grandchild, a new grandparent may be eager and emotionally ready to welcome the child, but not ready from a developmental or life-situation point of view.  It is best for grandparents to become grandparents when they are ready.

 Ideally, grandparenthood occurs after the grandparents have had a respite from raising their own children and have fulfilled some of their own needs and dreams.  It is at that point that they are ready to take up the challenge of finding mental and temporal space in their lives for grandparenting. The satisfaction of “off-time” grandparents in their new role depends on how overburdened they feel.  In a study of 43 Latin women (Mink, 1988) explored how mothers of pregnant teens adapted to an early role as grandmothers.  The sample scored high on “grandmother satisfaction” and “sense of power.”  This was attributed to their strong social and family supports.

 The readiness factor is especially important for men.  As men age, many become more reflective and contemplative.  These are valuable qualities in a relationship with a child, especially with granddaughters.  Young girls are captivated with relaxed and mellow grandfathers who can give them love and attention, something that many busy fathers may not find enough time to do (Cath, 1984).

 Persistence

 Effective grandparents are creative in overcoming obstacles that prevent them from being with their grandchildren.  Their efforts are usually not lost on their grandchildren.  8-year-old Amy said, “My grandpa lives in the next state so I only see him every month.  But when he comes and stays at my house he gets up every morning at 6 and drives me to school just because he wants to be with me.” A good example of how grandparents manage to maintain emotional attachments with their grandchildren in spite of living far from them is supplied by “long-distance grandparents” who attend the Foundation for Grandparenting’s Grandparent-Grandchild Summer Camp program.  Once a year, these grandparents make it a priority to spend a week alone with their grandchild, even though they may see their grandchild regularly during the rest of the year. 

 Long-distance grandparents can maintain a strong attachment to their grandchildren by using the phone, mail, or computer.  Grandparents can use these tools to minimize the physical distance from their grandchildren.  “All of my money goes to the airline so I can get together with my grandson,” a grandmother stated. A 61-year-old man related his feelings for his then 98-year-old grandmother:  “My grandmother really loved me.  Whenever I did anything, she was always there in the background.  When I was sixteen, one summer I took a job in a carnival as an announcer.  I was a few hundred miles away from home.  I called my grandmother and told her all about it.  Well, wouldn’t you know it, when I looked out into the audience that very first night, there was grandma.”

 Positive Parent-Grandparent Relationships

 For the most part, effective grandparents tend to get along relatively well with all members of their families.  The majority of the grandparents involved in the Foundation’s study were involved and loving parents who experienced few major problems with their own children.  Whenever a problem did occur, they possessed the ability to quickly identify and resolve it.

 When their children married, they welcomed their new in-law as a new child in the family.   These grandparents supported their children’s’ marriages, refrained from destructive and unnecessary criticism and respected family boundaries.  Their grandchildren felt secure because they were spared the stress of loyalty divisions between their parents and grandparents.

The functioning of today’s society does not necessarily foster intergenerational interaction and support.  Effective grandparents are able to be proactive about getting involved in their families’ lives and strive to be a figure of support, strength and guidance for all.  By consistently reaching out to their grandchildren, even long-distance grandparents can give their grandchildren the gift of being an effective grandparent.

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 The Connecticut Department of Children and Families noted that, “[the new law] balances the constitutional right of parents to make decisions in the best interests of their children, with the desire of grandparents to be an important part of their grandchildren’s lives.”

The post Newsflash! Connecticut Enacts Grandparent Visitation Law in July appeared first on - Foundation for Grandparenting.

“Well, it’s been a couple of years since my grandfather passed away. When I think back, I wonder how I even went one year without him. Every time I think of him I feel like going to my room and crying forever and ever until I meet him again.

I don’t think I would ever be able to get through this without my “Papa dog.” Every time I miss him I start crying and squeezing my dog. This dog was a present that Papa gave me a long time ago when I was a baby. I had the rosary beads that my Papa used in the hospital. I also have an angel pin that my Aunt gave me on his funeral. I think over the years that after someone has lost someone, it doesn’t get easier, you just get more used to it and deal with it.

Well, that’s what I’m doing and I know he would be proud of me. It’s really sad because when I was younger, I felt really ugly and he was the only one that made me feel pretty. I am writing this down so in ten years I can read this and remember how much he meant to me. I never want to forget that, and I don’t think I could. When he first died I remember going downstairs and seeing everyone crying. Then they told me and I had the worst feeling inside like someone crushed my heart. I still feel the same way. If I think about it too much it gives me a headache. If I had one wish it would be for me to see him one more time over anything else. I don’t care what other wishes there were.

I feel really bad for my Nana. She must be so lonely now. I love her and would do anything for her. When Papa first died I was so depressed. I felt like I lost a part of me. When I really get upset, I say to myself , you know what, you’ll see him again. Even he said so. “Debbie, don’t worry, I’ll see you again.”

I feel like crying when I think about that because he told me that right after he found out the news (about his illness). It’s weird those were the saddest years of my life but also the happiest because I was with someone I love more than anything.”

The post A Grandchild’s Love Letter to Her Deceased Grandfather appeared first on - Foundation for Grandparenting.

 Children’s Views

“I try to remember that my parents and grandparents will always love me no matter what happens. But it’s a sad tragedy when parents get divorced, especially for us children. We love our parents but our parents don’t love each other anymore. Since I come from both of them what does that mean I am? They don’t want to be with each other. My sister and I are the thing that connects them. If we weren’t living they wouldn’t have to talk to each other anymore. I love my parents, and I know they love me, but I am also mad at them for getting divorced so I make trouble sometimes. But it’s different with my grandparents. They are together and I love them and am important to them. So I am good for them. They are older and I don’t want to hurt them, so I never make trouble for them. I know they care for me and my parents. I feel safe when I am with them and know I can always live with them.

Need for Grandparents

It’s very important for me to be able to talk with my grandparents about my feelings. Also for my grandparents to discuss things with me, especially what is going to happen in the future. When my parents divorced, I became frightened. My grandparents reassured me that the whole world wasn’t falling apart and that I would survive.

Grandparents need to be positive

If my grandparents criticize my parent who is their own child, it’s O.K. But they shouldn’t criticize my other parent, especially to me, because it makes me upset. I would rather not hear about the differences the grown-ups have. On the other hand, if something terrible is happening I want to be able to call my grandparents for help, but only when it’s serious. For example, I live with my mother. One night she came back late without calling me. So I called my grandparents. They came right over. My mother came too. She said there was a mix-up. She thought my father was going to pick me up. My father thought that he was going to pick me up the next day. If people make mistakes they are supposed to be learned from. My grandparents criticized my parents and it made me more upset. Grandparents should help parents instead of criticizing them. What good does criticizing do?

Grandparents should give advice

One thing grandparents can do is to give advice to the kind of person a divorced parent goes out with on a date. Parents don’t realize that children are frightened when their parents are divorced and go out with new people. That new person can be the new stepparent and kids can get scared, especially if they don’t like the new person. And then they have to make believe they like the person or their parent will get upset. And more so if the parent likes the new person a lot.

Don’t put kids in the middle

It’s important to me that my grandparents treat both of my parents the same. This may be hard because one parent may be my grandparent’s child but it makes me upset if my grandparents are against one of my parents.

Be there for the grandchild

My grandparents will always love, protect and encourage me. I wish my parents would be together but sometimes things can’t happen the way I want so I have to make the best of it…and being close to my grandparents is part of making the best of it.

The post A Grandchild’s View of Divorce appeared first on - Foundation for Grandparenting.

Research

 Gorlitz(1982) studied some of the intrapsychic experiences accompanying the transition into grandparenthood of 28 grandparents just prior to and from 15-18 months after the birth of a grandchild.  Two central themes were identified:  conflicts precipitated by grandparenthood, and the repair of injuries and the reworking of earlier issues through the use of generativity.

 Five areas of conflict were aging anxiety, tension over lack of control in grandparenthood, competition with the various members of the multi-generational drama, pressure to relinquish the comfort of retirement and parental responsibility, and tension from intrapersonal factors.  The “reparative” aspects of grandparent were pleasure in generativity, a chance to make up for past parenting mistakes both with children and grandchildren, and positive self-esteem and identification.

Studying the Grandparent Drive

 During our Grandparent Study, grandparents and grandchildren reported more than culturally learned factors as responsible for the quality of their relationship.  In an attempt to explore these ephemeral factors, we initiated a study to examine the nature-nurture aspects that affect the grandparent-grandchild relationship.

 For this qualitative study we interviewed 240 grandparent subjects, 160 women and 120 men, from 1990 to 1993.  Subjects were interviewed at senior centers, schools and the Grandparent-Grandchild Summer Camp.

 The results of this study showed that 83% of the subjects mentioned one or more of the following factors related to emotion, continuity, meaning and role fulfillment: “love for the grandchild,” “love of family,” “personal meaning,” “spiritual meaning,” “a need to be a grandparent,” “joyfulness,” “the meaning of life,” “a need to be a part of a grandchild’s life,” and the “need to protect.”

 Other subjects mentioned modeling their grandparents (“taking after a grandparent”), and an interest in social standing (“prestige, people look up to me”) as the most important determinant in their grandparenting behavior.  All subjects reported influencing forces (family systems, distance, work, age, health, etc.) as affecting the quality and effectiveness of grandparenting.  In open discussion, all agree that good relationships with their own children were necessary to have access to grandchildren. 

 A majority of grandparents (92%) ascribed the primary motivation of their grandparenting behavior to the presence of a grandparenting need or instinct awoken by their love and need for attachment to their grandchild.  Many grandparents in fact described this feeling as a “drive.”

 This idea of a primary, biologically-rooted “drive” to grandparent is useful when denoting the biological force behind grandparenting.  When asked about the origins of their drive, one grandmother said her drive came “from something inside me.  There’s no words for it.”  Yet another grandmother described her drive as “life itself.”

 With few exceptions, subjects agreed that influencing factors were important determinants of how they grandparent.  The drive, however, was identified as the most important factor in being an involved grandparent.  “If you don’t have the grandparent urge,” a grandfather said, “nothing can make you get close to your grandchild.  Wanting to have a grandchild is just like wanting to have a kid when you’re young.”

 None of the grandparents we interviewed directly refuted the existence of a grandparent drive.  A minority (8%), however, qualified their own attraction to grandparenthood as initially “weak,” but reported that a drive to become more involved in the role strengthened when they became emotionally closer to their grandchildren.

 A grandmother in this group said, “I really didn’t care if I had children or grandchildren.  But once my children and grandchildren came along I loved them.  Now I couldn’t bear the thought of not having them.”

 To sum up, grandparents in this study report a natural need or “drive” that motivates their grandparenting.  They place secondary emphasis on the forces of socially learned behaviors and attitudes.  They also recognize that good relationships with their own children enhanced access to their grandchildren.

Drive= Connection

 The concept of a basic drive to grandparent explains why certain grandparents struggle so hard to have contact with their grandchildren despite personal, social or geographic barriers.  It further explains why grandparents who don’t see their grandchildren frequently love them at a distance and still feel emotionally close to them.  It also explains the mirror-image reflection of this need for attachment in grandchildren.

 Although there is little hard scientific, clinical evidence to support the concept of a grandparenting drive, personal experience, human behavior, case studies and qualitative interview data supports the idea.  Experience has shown that people exhibit different drives and needs for other people.  Attachment theory, which is based on human and animal studies (Rosenblatt, 1967, Redican & Mitchell, 1972), have explained many aspects of the parent-child bond.  Why can’t we extend this model to grandparents and grandchildren?  If a baby’s smile, for example, induces approach and caretaking behavior in the mother, why shouldn’t this apply to grandparents as well?

Fulfilled attachment brings happiness.  Separation brings pain.  When a grandparent is separated from a grandchild, it can be experienced as an emotional loss and a lack of fulfillment of a grandparenting drive.  Certain subjects in the Grandparent Study have overcome substantial obstacles to be close to their grandchildren.  Perhaps these grandparents have a stronger drive than those who move away from their families to retire, for example.

 During an interview, one long-distance grandfather said, “I think about my grandchildren all the time.  But they live 1,000 miles away.  I have to force myself to stop calling.”

Variable from Person to Person

 Although a grandparenting drive may be present, it is not necessarily consciously perceived by all grandparents before their grandchildren are born.  Those with a strong latent grandparent identity report a mental rehearsal for grandparenting which is usually manifested in joyful fantasies about being with their future grandchild.  Grandparents who reported no thoughts of being a grandparent before the arrival of their grandchild, often experience the feeling of a drive to grandparent after the birth.

 Expression of the grandparent drive is qualified and shaped by a host of personal influencing factors as well as family and social systems.  The interaction of both drive and influencing factors determines the individual’s conscious perception of the drive.

The post The Grandparent Drive appeared first on - Foundation for Grandparenting.

 The process of grandparent development is ongoing, simultaneously involving biological, psychological and emotional factors, active learning and mastery of challenging life events.  This sequential developmental flow propels the individual toward a stage of life described by psychologist Erik Erikson in Identity and the Life Cycle, 1959, as “generative, ”  a stage where personal “integrity” and continuity may be achieved, and an individual reaches their full developmental potential.

 This phenomenon has been recognized by many cultures.  The Hindu religion accords individuals who achieve this life stage the status of “Sage,” or wise one.

 Evolution of Grandparent Development

 Fulfillment of the grandparent role is a culminating point in an evolutionary process stretching from birth to death.  The qualities of grandparenthood grow and mature psychologically and behaviorally within the individual in a sequence of stages: from receiving as a child to giving as an elder; from being nurtured as a child, to nurturing the young as an adult; from learning to teaching; from listening to stories to telling stories; from being directed to directing; from reacting to authority to becoming able to influence the world.

Gandparenthood Involves Passages

 Grandparent development – like other facets of development – may proceed smoothly or may be subject to developmental problems.  Grandparenthood involves passage through developmental periods proceeding from childhood to adulthood to parenthood, grandparenthood and, for some, great-grandparenthood.  The fashion in which the individual evolves through this process determines grandparenthood identity and affects grandparent activity. 

 The bio-psycho-social-spiritual substance of grandparenthood is contained in the individual’s grandparent identity and grandparenting activity.  These two factors are intimately related, dynamically interacting in a feedback loop as soon as a grandchild is born.  Grandparent identity, however, begins its formative stages well before biological grandparenthood is attained.  This stage is involved in forming a potential or “latent” grandparent identity within the psyche.

 The Latent Grandparent Identity

 The groundwork for grandparent identity is laid down early in childhood.  Both consciously and unconsciously, the child’s personal experience and grandparent-related interactions result in learned impressions of what grandparenting is about.  These impressions are stored in the psyche to constitute a latent grandparent identity which continues to evolve until the child becomes an adult and a grandchild comes along.  The latent grandparent identity results primarily from learned experience, although specific aspects of personality (altruism, for example) may increase an individual’s affinity for certain roles.

 As growth proceeds, complex developmental events affect the individual’s latent grandparent identity which assimilates, adapts and accommodates dynamically to familial, ethnic and social systems.  When a grandchild is born, the grandparent’s self-esteem is enhanced, their life priorities shift and the latent grandparent identity is expressed in grandparenting activity.

 Early Grandparent Development

 The latent grandparent identity is built upon a foundation of early organic and derivative-experiential components, the sum of which supplies a blueprint for future grandparenting behavior.  The following is a list of some organic, psychological and experiential building blocks for a positive latent grandparent identity compiled from subjects of the Grandparent Study conducted by the Foundation for Grandparenting.

 As a child:

• Experiences a strong, organically-based attraction toward a grandparent 
• Experiences love, joy, security, novelty, fun with an elder. 
• Has their grandparent point out similarities between them related to genetics: “I have my grandmother’s eyes,” “I have my grandfather’s baseball throwing arm.”
• Experiences a sense of being able to count on a grandparent’s availability to them.
• Experiences a spiritual connection with a grandparent that is hard to articulate.
• Experiences a sense of family connectedness, continuity and rootedness.
• Observes grandparents playing a variety of roles.
• Identifies with a grandparent, i.e., “I want to be able to paint like grandma.”
• Observes grandparents supporting parents.
• Observes parents respecting and relating positively to grandparents.
• Experiences intergenerational harmony.
•  Observes positive actions of grandparents besides their own in other families and in society.

 As a parent:

•  Observed positive experiences between one’s parents and grandparents as a child.
• Negotiates the bond between their parents and their children.
• Acts as the linchpin between grandparents and grandchildren.
•  Observes the positive experiences of one’s child as a grandchild.

 All of these experiential elements are part of a rehearsal for future grandparenthood.  A parent integrates these components of their latent grandparent identity along with their personal organic makeup, temperament, cognitive ability, etc.  The ongoing dynamic interaction of these elements combined with the parent’s changing family roles and life situations (work, education, marriage, childbirth, etc.) all contribute to the formation of a future operational grandparent identity. 

Overcoming Negative Experience

 It is important to note that one’s grandparent identity can also contain negative components gleaned from negative experiences.  A 52-year-old grandmother who was an altruistic and family-oriented person, stated, “I hated my own grandmother.  She couldn’t stand to be around me because I was such a noisy child.  I always wondered if I would be like her when I became a grandmother.  When I was younger, I was always wary of my mother and even my husband’s mother not appreciating my children.” 

 This grandmother remains an effective and loving grandmother in spite of her negative experience with her own grandmother.  Fortunately for her grandchildren, her positive grandparenting activity was a corrective and countervailing experience to her childhood impression of what grandmothers were like. 

 The latent grandparent identity becomes a functional grandparent identity when a grandchild is born.  The birth of a grandchild releases a biological, psychological and social force within the new grandparent, a “grandparenting drive.”

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